Q: QUESTION
My toddler goes mad every time I try to put him in his car seat. I don't want to break the law so should I force him in or wait and hope he'll comply?

ANSWER
I wonder if just waiting around does lead to your son complying? If it does, do it, by all means. Making you wait is probably his way of asserting himself and making it clear that he does these things himself rather than having them done to him by you.

Once they've got into a head-to-head with a parent, though, a lot of toddlers need a bit of extra motivation to meet half way. Since most of them like going places, the best way to get them into car seats is often just to point out that nobody's going anywhere until they are in. Waiting it out can be quite testing because sitting in the car in your own driveway with the engine off is boring for you as well as for your toddler. As long as you don't give way and let him use the adult seat belt "just this once" it will work, though. What's more once he knows that you will never, ever drive the car until or unless he's properly strapped in, he'll probably stop picking that particular fight.

Answer from Penelope Leach, Author and ChildCare Expert

Q: QUESTION
My daughter is 15 and I'm really worried that she's being bullied by the girl she thinks of as her best friend. The girl in question seems to have decided that she can use my daughter as the person to blame when anything they do goes wrong, or they're caught doing something that they shouldn't. It seems that this "friend" keeps the truth away from her own parents as much as possible by laying everything on my daughter, but I don't understand why she puts up with it. She's no angel but she's honest and willing to take responsibility when she does something wrong. I just don't think she should have to carry the can for this other girl. I've asked her about it but she just says she doesn't mind. What should I do?

ANSWER
Trying to Influence teenagers to enable them to be more assertive is not an easy task. There are no easy answers because you can't force your daughter to stop being treated in this way. She is the one who has to decide that she is not prepared to take responsibility for her friend's behaviour in future. I suggest that you arrange with your daughter a suitable time for both of you to talk about what is happening. Tell your daughter how you feel by speaking personally starting your sentence with an "I message." "I messages" do not attack and will allow your daughter understand your worries and listen to your point of view without confrontation.

You could start by saying something like 'I don't like it when you take responsibility for the mistakes of your friend and I want it to stop. I worry that this will ruin your excellent reputation and I feel that you are being bullied. That's how I see it but I know you see it differently, I would like to know how do you feel about it"? Listen to her point of view reflecting back to her what you have understood. Continue the conversation in this way using "I messages" to discuss the importance of self respect and that always trying to win the approval of friends limits our freedom.

Then brainstorm with her possible solutions which might include: speaking personally, having the confidence to say "no", finding her true friends and ways of helping her friend develop the qualities you admire so much in her, namely her openness and honesty. Jot down each solution on a piece of paper and then discuss each one carefully with her exploring the reasons why it may be likely or unlikely to work. Then agree on one solution to try and set a time to meet again to discuss how things are going.

It may take your daughter some time to work through this problem and to make the appropriate changes. Try to remain positive and remember to notice improvements and to tell her about all the qualities you admire in her and as she grows in confidence she will be able to act in a more assertive way.

Frances Byatt-Smith BA (Hons) Psychology is director of Edinburgh Parent Centre which runs coaching and relationship courses for parents of children 0-18 years. Tel: 0131 664 5388 or visit www.edinburghparentcentre.com

Q: My daughter keeps taking control. I'm getting desperate! My daughter is an only child and is approaching 5. She's been at nursery 3 days a week since she was 7 months old. Although she appears to have some understanding of other people's feelings, she seems quite unable to stop herself trying to take command in groups. This has started to develop into her trying to butt in and take-over anything someone else is doing. This now seems to be causing her to be excluded from the group.

A: We all want our children to play “nicely” with other children and we are delighted when they share their toys, take turns and are helpful to others. However four years olds are still very egocentric and are not able to see things from an adult’s point of view. They are unable to imagine how another child can feel or think because their exposure to social experiences is limited and their own feelings and thoughts are still very immature. They can also be extremely bossy and extreme in their emotions and can be very jealous of other children and are capable of excluding them from play to preserve their social position with a friend. Some children at this stage are beginning to find sharing a bit easier and are starting to negotiate terms and have less of a need to protect possessions, are developing empathy and turn taking but it is important to bear in mind that all children grow and develop at their own pace.

I can understand you anger and frustration at your daughter’s behaviour but she is acting normally for her age and children who push others out of the way simply want a turn but don’t know how to negotiate. There are many ways to help children to develop social skills. It is not enough to tell children to share; help or “be good” or take turns because they need some help in order to learn how to behave. The following suggestions may help.

* Teach your child to share by playing turn taking games e.g. board games

* To prevent her from trying to take over teach her how to ask to play or join a group who are already engaged in play.

* Draw faces showing different emotions e.g. happiness, anger, fear and sadness. Talk about the emotions

* Ask your child to talk about her feelings concerning other children’s acts. Saying something like “How did you feel when…….? Were you angry or sad?”

* Tell her how her behaviour affected the other child. “When you pushed ……. he felt angry”.

* Play pretend games, children love pretend games and they provide a fun way for children to learn how to recognise and behave in different situations.

* Try not to blame when there is a conflict. Instead talk to both children about what happened, how they felt and what they can do if a similar situation arises in the future.

Try to take a positive attitude and look at your daughter’s behaviour as an opportunity for learning.

Frances Byatt-Smith BA (Hons) Psychology, Qualified Nurse & Health Visitor www.edinburghparentcentre.com

Q. Help, I am getting desperate, I just cannot get my baby into a night time routine and I feel I am up nearly all night .All my friends seem to being doing really well, but I just feel daunted about the prospect or trying to introduce a routine, I feel quite tearful all the time as I am so tired.

A. The Sleep Lady’s Top Tips for a better night’s sleep

Remember you only have a sleep issue if you are not getting enough sleep. Don’t compare yourself to all your friends. When planning to put a sleep routine in place always start your day and end your day at the same time. Be reasonable with your expectations, you are not going to turn a bad sleeping habit round in a night !

Keep a sleep diary for a week before you start and keep the diary going while you try to improve your nights? The sleep diary the week before you start will enable you to see where the problem times are, and to be able to set sensible bench marks. The sleep diary while you are putting a sleep plan in place will help you to monitor your progress !!

Be prepared to persevere, allow yourself four nights of the same routine and approach and then reassess. From the age of six weeks, have the same bed time routine every night, so your baby begins to pick up bed time cues. Once you go through for bath time, do not come back into the living area, the routine should be, bath, pyjamas, stories (depending on age of your child) and feed. Then into bed.

From about six weeks try to encourage your baby to self settle. Do not let your baby or child become overtired, they will be even harder to settle.

A good day time routine will help you to have a better night time routine, so make sure your baby is getting regular naps throughout the day, and your toddler is not getting too much sleep in the day.

Linda Russell The Sleeplady

www.thesleeplady.co.uk Linda offers advice on sleep at her Sleep Clinics or one to one support in your own home.

My child has been biting other children at nursery and I don't know how to handle it. I'm frightened to answer the phone in case it's one of the other parents phoning to complain about him. Should I be telling him off, giving him more affection and reassurance or biting him back?"

Biting is very common for children between the ages of one and three years and learning to bite is a normal part of a child’s development. Children are often aggressive and will hit and bite others because they simply do not have the understanding or the vocabulary to talk out their feelings. .

There are several reasons why children bite and I will list them because it is important to understand why your child is biting before you can find the appropriate method for dealing with it however biting back is not one of them.

Possible reasons:
• Attention seeking and testing the boundaries –he will be trying to find out what will be tolerated and also it’s a way of getting your attention. Young children want the parent/career’s attention so badly that they will do anything to get it and if they get attention by biting they will continue to do it.
• Frustration and anger – stopping him from doing something or he wants something but is not given it. This will trigger anger and the feeling of lack of control over his life. He is unable to communicate that feeling so he will act out his feelings by biting anyone who tries to control him
• Stress – could be caused by changes in the home, going to nursery, missing your attention because you are too busy lately.
• Hunger, tiredness or teething

The next step is to decide what triggers the behaviour and make some changes. The following are some suggestions that may work:

• When your child bites, get down to his level, look him in the eyes and say “biting (child’s name) is not allowed because it hurts and (child) does not like it” (Children over 2years will understand this)
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings by saying “I understand that you are upset because I won’t let you…. Because it is not safe or could hurt you”
• Try distraction if you are aware that a biting episode is about to happen
• Understand the triggers and think of ways to avoid them
• Time out does not have to be on a step or a chair. It can be done by getting the child to sit at the side, face the wall for a minute to calm down. It should only be for 1 minute per year, or for a young child (under 2 years) - just moved away from the scene and attention given to the injured child.
• Noticing when your child is behaving well and praising him for his good behaviour and ignoring the bad behaviour by not making a fuss about it. I know that this is hard to do but it is very effective.
• If you want him to stop doing something instead of stopping the activity suddenly give him a warning a few minutes before you want him to do something else and then count to ten.
• Choices also work and prevent the trigger, particularly with children over two years, because they allow the child the power to choose e.g. .give him a choice of two things his red beaker or his green beaker.
• Be a good role model and never bite back
• Books for children about anger can be helpful
Remember that it is just a stage and he will grow out of it Good luck

Frances Byatt-Smith BA(Hons) Psychology, Qualified Nurse & Health Visitor www.edinburghparentcentre.com

Our daughter is such a fussy eater she is making meal times hell. She is five years old and will not eat anything I put down in front of her. Sometimes I offer her six different choices in desperation to get her to eat. Help !

First of all check with your health visitor that she is putting on weight, and ask school or nursery how she is doing developmentally, if there are no concerns, then stop pandering to her!
Get her involved with meal time planning and ask her to choose five of her favourite meals. 
Explain that she has helped to choose her five favourite meals, and each day she will have one of those meals.
Set a timer for twenty minutes and tell her she has twenty minutes to eat her meal, if she has not eaten it, it will go in the dustbin. No pudding if she does not eat her first course!
If she kicks off and makes a fuss, tell her that it’s up to her, she can sit nicely and eat or she can continue to make a fuss, but once the timer goes off then that is the end of her meal time. Don’t be frightened of her fury, she will be mad at you, but don’t give in !
Linda Russell www.thesleeplady.co.uk 07827930830

My husband has lost his job and I am on a long term career break to look after the family. I may need to find a job if he doesn't find a job but I don't know where to start.

I hear of many mothers returning earlier than planned from career breaks and conversely more men taking career breaks. Even during maternity leave this can be an opportunity as fathers now can take paternity leave as long as you keep to the time scales. Some need to work through feeling resentful to their partner. It could give you an opportunity to relaunch your career and for your husband to reconnect with the family more. A recent study in the states showed that working mums were more content then stay at home mums so working is good for your mental well being.
With every change there are advantages and disadvantages and sometimes you don't know until you try.
I would suggest starting by really talking through the implications of swapping roles. Talking about expectations until you both feel it's a fair decision. There are lots of resources in Edinburgh for returning parents to upgrade their technical skills such as the PCT and many companies will look at your CV and help you do your application letters etc even online. Read some inspiring books about working mums like 'What Happy Working mums Know'. Once you have your paper work done, your confidence in your skills has been ignited again get out there and talk to people about what you want to do and why. Have a clear picture of what type of company you want to work for. Networking particularly in Edinburgh is the way to go and again start online.
Sam is an Executive Coach specialising in coaching parents through life transitions such as career breaks. She is a member of the Association of Coaching, British Psychological Society, Association of NLP and has recently completed a diploma in coaching at Napier. She is presenting writing a dissertation on coaching working parents with elder care responsibilities.
www.beeleafcoaching.co.uk

Our son is 13 and he hasn't got a clue about money. Until recently we've bought all major items for him and given him a bit of pocket money on top. In the last few months though he just seems to be asking for money all the time. He must think it grows on trees. He says all his friends have more money than him and I don't want him to have a job as yet, but I feel at a loss as to . Any ideas?

Teaching children the value of money takes time, patience and consistency. It is also important to teach in such way that is encouraging, supportive and fun and to remember that we are all different and some children take longer to understand the value of money than others. I suggest that you start by setting limits because by giving your son money every time he asks for it he is not learning how to be motivated to work hard and persevere through obstacles and frustration or achieve a hard-won goal.
Talk to your son about the situation and brainstorm ideas together about how you might tackle this problem. When it comes to spending discuss the difference between "want" and "need" because he has to understand that "needs" are more important than "wants" and that needs get first priority. Make a list of the things that he thinks he "needs" and things that he just "wants". Then discuss each item on the list and let him explain his reasons for the label he has given to each one. If he is passionate about something he wants teach him about delayed gratification by discussing with him how he might work hard for it. Let him know that even you have things you want and cannot have.
The idea behind pocket money is to help children to budget and learn financial independence. For some children linking pocket money to tasks can work very well because it will helps them to realise that in the real world money is earned. You can do this by making the pocket money dependent on carrying out specific chores which you agree together in advance. Each chore is priced individually to add up to the amount of pocket money you are willing to give. As he gets older the amount and difficulty of the task can be increased with responsibilities given for paying his own bills such as his mobile phone bill.
Lessons on saving are important and you can do this by limiting spontaneous treats. Too many gifts and treats can remove the incentive from saving and reduce the satisfaction when a child's goal is reached. Encouragement to buy presents for parents and siblings out of own money will make giving more exciting for a child and more appreciative to the recipient. Remember to be a good role model because children will develop their financial attitudes and behaviours from what they see you do.
Frances Byatt-Smith

My three-year-old son is always sucking his thumb. From morning until night, he's always got his thumb in his mouth. I'm worried that it'll affect his teeth and make them squint or that he'll be unable to stop doing this when he's older so I want him to stop it, but nothing that I try works. Distracting him, telling him off, nothing I try works. Any suggestions?

Most children are born with a natural desire to suck. Thumbsucking is a natural way for babies to comfort themselves. Thumbsucking usually begins when babies are about 3 months old and most children grow out of daytime thumbsucking by the age of five or six. A thumb sucker will usually suck his thumb when he is tired, bored, sick, or upset. Some children may suck a finger or fist instead of a thumb, and many childen will choose another form of security like a dummy,blanket or cuddly toy.
At your sons age thumbsucking is giving him comfort and at times will help to feel relaxed.He does not really mind what you or daddy or his friends think, indeed presurisng or teasing him to stop sucking his thumb is porbably going to make him nervous and therfore have the revese effect and make him suck his thumb more. At the moment rather than trying to stop your son from sucking his thumb by constantly reminding him not to suck his thumb, praise him when he you see him without his thumb in his mouth.
However by the time yor son reaches four you will need to find ways to gently coax him not suck to his thumb during the day as long term there could be an affect on his teeth.
By the age of four or five children are becoming conscious of what their friends think, so it is important that you do not tease him or make him feel silly in front of friends.
Talk to him about places and situations where he can suck his thumb rather than trying to get up sucking his thumb all together.
Maybe develop a secret code between you both, and ask him to think of a word only you can use to remind him that he is sucking his thumb when he should not be. He will respond better to this than to you either nagging him or getting crosss with him and making him feel silly in front of his friends.
Equally at about the age of four, when he is at home you could start you a little reward chart and reward him for every half an hour he does not suck his thumb.He could have a star or sticker for each half hour he manages not to suck his thumb, gradualy aiming for a small chosen prize or treat ! Every three or four days move the time forward by 15 minutes.
Night time thumbsucking is harder to monitor, try to get your son to replace his thumb with a cuddly that he can use for bedtime only. However if you find this is not helping there are various aids on the market you may find useful, for example www.thumbguard.co.uk